The Sherpa Trap

Do you carry
too much?

Or have you found yourself leaning on someone — and wondering where your own footing went?

There is a particular kind of relationship dynamic — built entirely from love and genuine care — that can quietly become one of the loneliest places a person lives. If something in that sentence feels familiar, this might be worth exploring.

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"It is possible to be someone's whole world and still feel invisible."

Do you always show up first?

Maybe you're the person people call when things go wrong. The one who handles things, stays calm, steadies the room — not because you were asked to, but because it's just who you are.

Have you started to feel small?

Maybe you've leaned on someone extraordinary for so long that you're not sure you trust your own judgment anymore. That didn't happen because you're weak. It happened gradually, in a relationship built from love.

Is something going unnamed?

Neither person is broken. Neither is the villain. But something has a cost — and if you've felt it without being able to name it, that's exactly what this is about.

What is the Sherpa Trap?

Could it be a pattern
built from love?

The Sherpa Trap isn't about toxic relationships or bad intentions. It tends to form between two people who genuinely love each other — when one person's competence and one person's need find each other and settle into something so natural that neither person notices what it might be costing them both.

One person carries more than their share. The other leans a little more each year. Over time, those patterns can stop being things people do and become things they feel they are. The question worth sitting with is whether that's true for you.

Role One

The Sherpa

Do you find yourself being the capable one — the person who handles things, steadies the room, fixes what's broken? That's a genuine strength. But it's worth asking: does being needed feel like love? And is there a quiet part of you that wonders if you'd be loved the same without it?

Role Two

The Climber

Have you found yourself relying on someone so capable that your own confidence has quietly faded? That's not weakness. It's what can happen in any relationship where one person's strengths consistently fill the space where your own might have grown.

The Assessment

Does any of this
sound familiar?

12 questions. No right or wrong answers. A reflection to help you see something more clearly — not a verdict about who you are.

Question 1 of 25

When someone close to you is struggling with something, what tends to happen inside you?

Question 2 of 25

Do you find yourself thinking about other people's problems even when you're alone?

Question 3 of 25

When there's a crisis — in your relationship, your family, or your circle — where do you find yourself?

Question 4 of 25

Which sentence feels closest to something you've actually thought?

Question 5 of 25

Growing up, how did love tend to feel most available to you?

Question 6 of 25

When you imagine not being needed by someone close to you, what comes up?

Question 7 of 25

How do you tend to handle your own difficult emotions?

Question 8 of 25

When you think about asking for help with something genuinely hard, what comes up first?

Question 9 of 25

In your closest relationship right now, which feels more true?

Question 10 of 25

When someone praises your partner or a close friend in front of you, what do you feel?

Question 11 of 25

Which phrase have you thought — even if you've never said it out loud?

Question 12 of 25

What does loneliness feel like for you inside your closest relationships?

Question 13 of 25

When there's a disagreement in a close relationship, what's your instinct?

Question 14 of 25

If a close friend said 'you seem like you're carrying a lot right now' — what would you feel?

Question 15 of 25

When you imagine a version of yourself who is fully known — not just needed or relied on, but truly known — what comes up?

Question 16 of 25

How do you relate to your own anger inside close relationships?

Question 17 of 25

Does this sound familiar: you stepped back from something you wanted because the other person needed something more?

Question 18 of 25

When you feel unappreciated in a close relationship, what do you tend to do?

Question 19 of 25

Has a close relationship ever made you feel small — not because of anything cruel, but just because of the shape of it?

Question 20 of 25

Do you find it hard to receive care, attention, or help from the people close to you?

Question 21 of 25

If someone you love became fully independent — no longer needing your help in the ways they used to — what would you feel?

Question 22 of 25

Have you had a conversation — or tried to — about the dynamic in your closest relationship?

Question 23 of 25

How much do you think this pattern — whatever shape it takes for you — affects your daily life and relationships?

Question 24 of 25

Looking across your significant relationships — not just the current one — do you notice a pattern repeating?

Question 25 of 25

What brought you here today?

Almost there

Where should we send your results?

Your personalized reflection — including your archetype, what it may have been like to grow up with this pattern, and how to honor it while protecting your relationships — will be ready to download as a PDF.

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Your Archetype

How much this pattern affects your life

MinimalModerateSignificantDeep

What this archetype needs

What it may have been like to grow up this way

Honoring this in yourself while protecting your relationships

A place to start

Read The Book

THE SHERPA TRAP

Paul McGinnis

Go deeper with the book.

The Sherpa Trap walks you through the full anatomy of this dynamic — how it forms, what it costs both people, and what becomes possible when it is finally, honestly named. Written from the inside of this experience by Paul McGinnis.

Available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle.

Find It on Amazon

Going Further

You don't have to figure this out alone.

These patterns are old and deep. Understanding them intellectually is the beginning — not the end. Here is what actually helps.

Attachment-Focused Therapy

A therapist trained in attachment theory can help you understand where your relational patterns come from — and what it takes to change them at the level where they actually live.

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

For couples, EFT addresses the cycle underneath the conflict — not just the surface behavior. It's one of the most evidence-based approaches for exactly what the Sherpa Trap describes.

Internal Family Systems (IFS)

IFS helps you work with the parts of yourself that learned to be a Sherpa or a Climber — to understand what they were protecting, and to give them something better to do.

The Companion Workbook

The Sherpa Trap workbook takes the Mirror Moments from the book and turns them into structured reflection exercises. Coming soon — join the list to be notified first.

Do you carrytoo much?